I made fun of advertising and it got published in McSweeney’s!
Dear Loyal Customer,
As a company, honesty is one of our top priorities, second only to selling crispy, delicious chips. Which is why we’ve decided to come clean: Your best friend of 25 years, Kelly, has been an ad for our tortilla chips this whole time. Surprise!
We know what you must be thinking: “Wow! This tortilla chip company really understands my wants and needs as a consumer and has added meaningful value to my life.” That’s so nice of you to say! We’re happy to hear that you enjoyed engaging with our brand.
Yes, our creative team really disrupted the industry with this one. While other brands were tweeting or making commercials, our team was creating a real-life human being — your best friend, Kelly — to get to know you, form a genuine, lifelong relationship with you, and to ultimately sell you our chips. For 25 years, while you thought you were navigating every stage of life with your closest friend, you were actually just moving through our marketing funnel. What a win for advertising!
You know how Kelly was such a great listener and knew every little incredibly personal detail that makes you who you are? Like how you packed pickle and mayonnaise sandwiches for lunch every day in sixth grade until Katelyn told you it made your breath smell like farts? Or how you’ve always felt like your mom just doesn’t really “get” you? Those insights were SO helpful for us. Talk about a gold mine of real consumer data! You’ll be excited to hear that we’ve taken these learnings to heart and are launching a new flavor this summer: Pickles and Mayonnaise. As for the mom thing, try sitting her down and having a talk over a fresh bag of our tortilla chips. A guy in a focus group once told us that they bring people together! Or something to that effect; he used some of those words, for sure.
Remember that time you and Kelly were on the playground in second grade, and she suddenly turned to you and said: “INGREDIENTS: Corn, vegetable oil (corn, canola and/or sunflower oil) and salt.” And you were like, “Kelly, you’re so weird!” That was totally a slip-up on our part. The tech was so new and untested back then, and we were still learning the ropes of the whole human-advertisement thing. We thought the jig was up right then and there, but luckily you were distracted by a caterpillar and we got another 23 years of marketing out of your friendship. Phew!
At this point, we’d like to address the elephant in the email: Is Kelly a robot? A hologram? A baby we stole from a hospital? Did two members of our team engage in intercourse to make a human person from scratch? There’s a simple answer: You can never know! Everyone who helped bring Project Kelly™ to life has sworn a lifelong vow of secrecy. Can’t have the other guys stealing our ideas. You get it, right?
You might be wondering what to do with yourself now that you know that your very best friend, the person you trusted and admired more than anyone in the world, was a walking, talking advertisement for our salty snacks. Lucky for you, the party’s just getting started! We’re excited to offer you an exclusive friends and family discount: In honor of your 25 years of loyalty, head on over to our website and use promo code KELLY25 for 25% off any bag of chips. It’s the least we could do to thank you for being such a great friend to our brand!
We look forward to engaging with you more in the future!
Sincerely,
Honestly Good Chips Inc.
(Offer expires tomorrow. Exclusions may apply.)
